Before Self-Regulation Comes Co-Regulation: How a Child’s Nervous System Develops Through Relationship

We talk a lot about children learning to regulate their emotions.

We want them to cope with frustration, manage disappointment, recover when something has upset them and, as they grow, begin to understand what they’re feeling and what might help.

But self-regulation doesn’t begin with teaching a child how to calm down.

It begins much earlier, in the relationship between a baby and the people caring for them.

A baby’s brain and nervous system are still very immature when they are born. The systems involved in managing stress, emotion, attention and behaviour continue to develop throughout childhood and adolescence.

So when a young baby becomes distressed, they don’t yet have the neurological capacity to regulate that distress independently.

They need us.

This is co-regulation, and it is an important part of how the capacity for self-regulation gradually develops.

What is happening when we soothe a baby?

Think about something as ordinary as picking up a crying baby.

Perhaps they’re hungry or tired. Perhaps there has been too much noise or stimulation. Perhaps they simply need to be close to somebody familiar.

We pick them up. They feel the warmth of our body and hear a familiar voice. We might rock them, feed them, walk around with them or simply hold them.

Gradually, their breathing may slow. Their muscles begin to relax. Their crying changes.

From the outside, we might simply say that the baby has been comforted.

But there is much more happening underneath this.

The baby’s brain and body are continually receiving information about what is happening around them and responding to it. Their nervous system is involved in that process.

The autonomic nervous system regulates many of the functions that happen without us consciously deciding to do them, including heart rate, breathing and digestion. It also plays an important role in how our bodies respond to stress.

Broadly speaking, the sympathetic branch helps to mobilise the body when action is required. The parasympathetic branch is more involved in rest, recovery and restoration.

We need both.

Being well regulated doesn’t mean remaining calm all the time. In fact, that’s not really the aim of a healthy nervous system at all.

We need to be able to become activated when something requires our attention and then recover when the demand has passed.

For a baby, this system is still developing.

And this is why the idea that young babies should learn to consistently calm themselves without support doesn’t really fit with what we understand about early development.

Babies learn regulation through relationships

Human babies are incredibly dependent.

We readily accept that they depend on adults for food, warmth and physical safety, but they also depend on us to help them manage their internal states.

When a baby becomes distressed and somebody responds, they experience what it feels like to move through that distress with another person there to help.

This happens again and again during infancy.

A baby may become hungry and cry, and then experience the reassurance of being fed. They may feel overwhelmed and settle when they are held close, or wake feeling frightened and be comforted by the sound of a familiar voice. When they are tired, they may be soothed through rocking, cuddling or simply being close to someone they know and trust.

Over time, the nervous system has repeated experiences of becoming activated and then settling again.

Of course, this doesn’t happen perfectly.

Sometimes we don’t know why our baby is crying. Sometimes nothing seems to soothe them. Sometimes we’re exhausted or overwhelmed ourselves.

Babies don’t need perfectly regulated parents who respond in exactly the right way every time.

What matters is the much broader pattern of being cared for, responded to and reconnected with.

This is why co-regulation isn’t something that makes children dependent.

It is part of the developmental process through which greater independence and self-regulation eventually become possible.

Where does the vagus nerve fit into this?

This is something we look at in much more depth when we consider emotional regulation through a trauma-informed lens, because regulation isn’t simply psychological. There are physiological processes happening alongside what we think, feel and experience.

The vagus nerve is part of this.

The vagus is the tenth cranial nerve and one of the major communication pathways between the brain and the body. It extends from the brainstem into the chest and abdomen and is involved in the regulation of the heart, lungs and digestive system, amongst other functions.

It is also an important part of the parasympathetic nervous system.

You may have heard people talking about vagal tone, particularly because conversations about the nervous system have become much more common.

Vagal tone is sometimes described rather simplistically as how calm or regulated somebody’s nervous system is. The science is more complicated than that.

Researchers looking at cardiac vagal regulation use physiological measures including respiratory sinus arrhythmia and aspects of heart-rate variability to understand parasympathetic influence on the heart.

For parents, perhaps the more useful concept to understand at this stage is flexibility.

Our nervous system needs to respond to what is happening around us.

If something requires action, our physiology needs to change. When that demand has passed, we need to be able to recover.

So regulation isn’t about never becoming stressed, angry, frightened or overwhelmed.

It’s about being able to move through different physiological and emotional states and find our way back.

What does this have to do with co-regulation?

A child’s developing capacity for regulation is influenced by many things.

Temperament plays a part, as do genetics, health, brain development, the wider environment and the experiences a child has as they grow.

Relationships are part of that picture too.

Babies are constantly taking in information from the people caring for them. They respond to voice, facial expression, touch, movement, proximity, smell and the rhythm and predictability of everyday interactions.

They aren’t consciously analysing any of this.

Their developing brain and body are simply responding.

When this happens repeatedly within responsive relationships, children gradually become more able to organise their own responses to stress and stimulation.

This is an important distinction.

Co-regulation isn’t about making sure a baby never cries or a child never experiences distress.

Children will experience frustration, disappointment, fear, anger and sadness. These are normal human emotions, and our nervous system is designed to respond to them.

The difference is that young children don’t have to manage those states entirely by themselves.

Co-regulation doesn’t end when children learn to talk

We sometimes seem to expect children to become emotionally self-sufficient surprisingly early.

But being able to talk about an emotion and being able to regulate it are two quite different developmental abilities.

A toddler overwhelmed because their toast has been cut differently from how they expected isn’t experiencing that moment through an adult brain.

A four-year-old who lashes out when overwhelmed may not have access to the language or impulse control needed to tell us what is happening.

A seven-year-old who falls apart at home after holding everything together at school may have spent hours managing sensory, social, cognitive and emotional demands.

Even teenagers, who may be capable of remarkably sophisticated thinking, can struggle to access those abilities when they are highly emotionally activated.

The areas of the brain involved in executive functioning, impulse control, planning and emotional regulation continue developing for many years.

So telling a distressed child to “calm down” doesn’t give them the neurological capacity to do it.

Sometimes they still need to borrow some of our regulation.

That might look like sitting beside them rather than immediately asking questions. Using fewer words. Lowering our voice. Reducing noise or other sensory demands. Offering physical closeness if they want it. Or simply waiting until the intensity has passed before trying to discuss what happened.

None of this means removing boundaries.

We can stop a child from hitting while recognising that they’re overwhelmed.

We can hold a limit without expecting them to immediately agree with it.

And we can talk about what happened once their brain and body are in a better place to learn from it.

Our nervous system is part of the relationship too

This is where co-regulation becomes particularly interesting, because there are always at least two nervous systems involved.

Our child’s distress affects us.

Crying, screaming, arguing, refusal or anger can produce a physiological response in our own body before we’ve had time to consciously think about what is happening.

Our heart rate might increase. Our jaw might tighten. Our breathing changes. We might notice a strong urge to make the behaviour stop.

Sometimes our reaction feels disproportionately strong for what is happening in front of us.

This is something we explore a great deal within trauma-informed work.

Our nervous system doesn’t respond only to the present moment. Previous experiences, relationships and learning can influence what our brain and body interpret as stressful or threatening now.

That doesn’t mean every difficult parenting moment can be traced back to childhood trauma.

But it can help explain why particular behaviours affect us more than others.

If strong emotions weren’t comfortably tolerated when we were growing up, our child’s intense emotions may be particularly difficult for us to sit with.

If obedience was highly valued, a child’s refusal may create a much stronger reaction in us than we expect.

Sometimes simply noticing our own physical response gives us a little more space between what our child does and what we do next. It gives us a chance to respond rather than react.

You don’t have to be a perfectly regulated parent

I think this part is particularly important because nervous-system language can inadvertently create another standard for mothers to meet.

You don’t have to remain calm all the time in order to raise an emotionally healthy child.

You will become overwhelmed sometimes.

There will be moments when you lose patience.

Sometimes your child will be dysregulated and you will be too.

Real relationships include all of this.

What matters isn’t that we never lose connection. It’s that there are opportunities to find our way back to each other.

We can apologise.

We can acknowledge that we shouted.

We can say that we were overwhelmed and wish we’d handled something differently.

Repair is part of relationship too.

And children learn from that.

They learn that difficult emotions can exist within a safe relationship. They learn that adults can take responsibility for their behaviour. They learn that a difficult interaction doesn’t mean the relationship itself has disappeared.

Perhaps most importantly, they learn that regulation isn’t about getting everything right.

It’s about being able to return.

From co-regulation to self-regulation

As children grow, more of this process gradually becomes internal.

A toddler who once needed to be held through an overwhelming feeling may eventually come and sit beside us instead.

An older child might recognise that they need some time alone.

A teenager may discover that movement, music, talking to someone or going outside helps them manage what they’re feeling.

Little by little, they develop their own ways of regulating.

But I don’t think we ever completely grow out of co-regulation.

Think about how different you can feel after talking to somebody you trust.

How your body responds when somebody you feel safe with puts an arm around you.

Or that moment when you’re sitting with someone you know well and suddenly realise that your shoulders have dropped and you’re breathing more easily.

We continue to affect each other’s nervous systems throughout our lives.

And this is where the subject becomes particularly relevant for us as adults too.

The nervous system that develops through childhood isn’t a finished product.

Early experiences matter. They can influence how readily we respond to stress, how we experience relationships and how easily we find our way back after becoming overwhelmed.

But our nervous system remains adaptable.

We can continue developing our capacity for regulation throughout adulthood.

And that brings us to vagal tone.

In my next article, I’m going to look more closely at what vagal tone actually means, what it has been associated with in the research and how we can support our own autonomic regulation as adults.

Because understanding co-regulation can change the way we see our children’s behaviour.

Understanding our own nervous system can change the way we respond to it.